The Nutsack
by Aaron B
Summary: A series of Yaoi shorts i really didn't want to write, that Soyna forced me to continue. :@ Will accept good requests. NEW CHAPTER: Angeal is suffering
1. Time

Time

Tick…tock…the clock ticked on in Lazard's office, drawing nearer to the hour of midnight. Tick…tock…it counted on as the battle of wills continued, the director refusing to let his eyes leave the silver haired general's, but staring him down was proving wearisome…tick…tock…and still, the general looked amused at the whole interrogation, the cocky smile still lighting up his face. He didn't seem to realise how serious the matter was, and it was Lazard's job to make him realise. Tick…tock…the only man cruel enough not to pity Lazard right now was leaning back on a hard chair in front of him.

"Why don't you just make this easier for yourself?" Lazard asked, rubbing his eyes to feign tiredness, hoping to win sephiroth over with submissiveness. The chair clunked back to the floor again, and Sephiroth let a little laugh escape him.

"What? You're gonna make it easier for me than sitting here, doing nothing instead of fighting my ass off every day in Wutai? I'm having the time of my life!" He said with a smirk. Lazard dropped his hand, scowling at the cocky SOLDIER officer. They had already been sat around for seven hours discussing the matter back and forth, but still, Lazard was stuck trying to get him to even admit to the crime, never mind tell him what he needed to know. He decided to try a different tack.

"How about I give you some perks, huh?" He said, forcing a grin onto his face. "I know you have a lot of fan girls. I could arrange to have some of them go with…you…" Lazard had faltered into silence, as the general had started laughing at his offer, actually leaning back in his seat in his mirth.

"Oh dear," He managed to say, finally getting himself under control, his eyes watering slightly "You really don't know me, do you, Lazard?"

What does he mean? Lazard wondered. That he's above using women in such a way? This could be harder than I thought…

"So there's nothing I can do to convince you to talk?" Lazard asked, frowning slightly.

"Oh, I dare say there's something you could do for me." Sephiroth said, an arrogant smile on his face again, looking directly into Lazard's eyes. He hated it when he did that…

"…well?" The director finally asked after a long silence. "Spit it out will you?" He raised his voice slightly, getting annoyed with the increasingly amused smile on the General's face.

"Oh, I never spit it out." Sephiroth said, now showing his teeth in a grin. Lazard had the uncomfortable feeling of not getting a joke, and he didn't like it…He flipped the table over onto it's side, pushing an Electro-Mag Rod into Sephiroth's chest. He let out a shout as ten thousand volts ran through his body, knocking him unconscious. Lazard took a pair of handcuffs from his back pocket, moving behind his back. He wanted to have the man tied down when he got rough with him…He felt a blow on the back of his head, and the world went black…

Ouch…That was Lazard's first thought as he awoke. He tried to force his eyes open, but that just worsened the ache behind them. He was quite happy to stay as he was really. On a chair…tied up.

What the…? His eyes shot open. He looked round at the back of his chair. His hands had been tied back, with HIS handcuffs! He pulled as hard as he could, but they were on very tight.

"You won't escape." He turned back around to find Sephiroth smirking at him, now no longer wearing his cape, but sat bare-chested on the table. "You're not the first person I've fixed to chair." Lazard's eyes narrowed in anger.

"Let me go. Now!" He added when Sephiroth shook his head.

"Where would be the fun in that?" He said, showing his teeth in yet another grin.

"What do you mean?" Lazard asked, now getting worried at the way Sephiroth wouldn't break eye contact. Earlier, it had been a sign of arrogance. Now it looked like…He looked away quickly, hoping he was wrong. Sephiroth hopped off the table, walking slowly around him. Suddenly, he felt his fringe brush against his temple.

"What are you so worried about?" Sephiroth breathed into his ears, stroking a hand across his face. Lazard recoiled instantly, making the General laugh again. "Didn't you just promise me some perks?" He said, pushing his nose into Lazard's neck, letting his tongue dart out to tickle along his skin.

"Yes…but…" Lazard started angrily.

"No buts." Sephiroth said simply. He used the Director's moment of surprised anger to dart forward. Lazard grunted slightly as their lips met, but for some reason he couldn't pull away…Sephiroth pulled away, moving around Lazard's front and sitting astride him, pleased by what he felt against him, moving to kiss him again, but the Director moved his lips aside.

"I want a deal, Sephiroth." Lazard said, thrusting his tongue deep into Sephiroth's mouth, pleased to hear a slight grunt of pleasure. He pulled away again. "You don't mention this again, and…" He added, making sure the General was listening, "…you tell me where you hid Hojo's glasses. Understood?" His voice broke slightly on the last word, as the silver haired SOLDIER rubbed against his crotch.

"You're in no position to demand anything, Director." He said mockingly, ripping Lazard's shirt off…

**This was a request by Soyna...she's corrupting me soooo bad. Will probably extend this with a second chapter if people like it.**


	2. Late

2. Late

Tick…Tock…Tick…Tock…Tick…The clock ticked on slowly in the background. Slowly, Lazard raised his head. He was laid on his back on the table he had been interrogating sephiroth over. He had been fast asleep…but he was still very much naked. A quick look around the room told him that Sephiroth had already gone. He frowned slightly, wishing the other man had still been there. It wasn't that he was being clingy, he just hadn't finished with him yet. Suddenly, the clock started to chime. It had reached the hour. Lazard didn't look, but held his breath as he counted the chimes, getting slowly more horrified as the count raised higher and higher. He let out a horrified gasp. It was already eleven o'clock! He had been due to brief a group headed for Wutai at ten! Quickly, he jumped to his feet, hurriedly ramming his clothes back on, hardly wasting a second to breathe. Ramming his glasses onto his face, he hurriedly straightened his hair, rushing out of his office and straight into an elevator, tapping his foot impatiently as it took what seemed like forever to reach floor 49, the SOLDIER floor. The doors had barely slid open when Lazard rushed out, heading straight for the briefing room. It took him a moment to notice the abundance of giggling, but when he did notice, he couldn't ignore it. He looked around, and the off duty troops instantly tried to suppress their laughter. Tried, and failed. They were all holding pieces of paper, almost like flyers, in their hands. Just as he began to get truly suspicious, Genesis ambled out of an elevator, and was what was on one of the flyers by accident. He did a double take, snatching it out of the lower ranked SOLDIER's hand. The look he gave Lazard afterward seemed to confirm his worst suspicions. Lazard slowly walked up to Genesis, holding his hand out, palm upward. The red haired soldier slapped the paper into the director's hand, frowning moodily. Lazard gasped in horror, hardly able to believe what he was seeing. It was a picture of him…but…

"I didn't know you could do that with an Electro-Rod!" Someone shouted behind him, and instantly, the entire room burst into laughter. The only straight faces were Lazard's (if you can call horrified embarrassment a straight face) and Genesis'. Why the first class SOLDIER was so miserable was any man's guess, but Lazard had no time to enquire. He instantly ran to the briefing room, slamming the door on the catcalls and jeers that chased him. Turning round to make sure nobody was in the briefing room, he saw something on the table. It was a pair of small glasses, on top of a note. Lazard walked up to the desk, recognising the glasses as Hojo's. He picked them up off the note. The note read;

I hope these were worth it!

"Sephiroth…" Lazard muttered to himself angrily. The note was written on the back of one of the flyers. Lazard couldn't help but look at the photo again, wincing. No wonder I'm walking funny… Suddenly, he realised that their was a postscript;

Ps. Make sure to tell Genesis he owes me money. I won the bet fair and square.

Soyna is such a bitch…

Ok, this was just me giving a bit of closure to chapter one. Seeing as you are all ravingly perverted, im going to turn this into a request thread. Any couples and situations you want doing, just pm me or write them in a review. I'm not promising anything (im a straight guy for christ's sake!) but i may use them if they are funny.


	3. Drilling

**Drilling**

"Go on, Zack! Push harder!" Angeal shouted, screwing his eyes up with strain, sweat poring down his face.

"I…I can't! This is my first time!" Zack yelled, every part of his body straining.

"I said HARDER!" Angeal bellowed, grunting in rhythm.

"It's too much! It's too hard!" Zack was nearly screaming.

"It can never be too hard!" Angeal insisted.

"I'm gonna…I'm gonna…!"

"Don't you dare! Not yet!" Angeal roared.

"AGHHHHHH!" Zack had fallen onto the crash mat below. Angeal pulled himself up so he was sitting on the balance beam, still gasping deeply. He slipped down to the floor, watching Zack panting, face down against the dusty mat.

"You need to work harder from now on, Zack. I could do a thousand hanging sit ups at your age!" Angeal said, slightly disappointed, but also proud of his student. He was coming on in leaps and bounds, quite literally most of the time…Zack sprang to his feet, his face aghast.

"But, does this mean I won't make first class?" Zack asked instantly, forcing the words out around pants.

"No, it means you need to step it up a notch, understood?" Zack nodded eagerly. "Now go get in the shower!" Angeal said with a smile. He watched the young man jogging away, shaking his head. The puppy had so much energy. He just needed to put it to better use. "Hmmm…better use…" Angeal said contemplatively. "That could be fun." He said to himself, watching Zack leave with a glint in his eyes.

**HA! FOOLED YOU ALL! :D**

**Had to put some real yaoi (or at least a reference to it) or you'd all whinge at me :S**


	4. Disappointment

Disappointment

Angeal took a deep breath, making sure he was concentrating entirely on his task. He carefully wielded the knife, slicing the bread for the sandwich with as much precision he could muster. He spread the butter to the very edges of both slices, making sure the meat was perfectly within the boundaries when he placed one piece on top of the other.

So far, so good…Angeal thought to himself, pleased with how focusing on the task had rendered him deaf up to that point. It was all going well until he poured the orange juice into his glass. That was when he noticed it rippling…Angeal groaned as his concentration broke, and he heard the thumping from the other room, which he had been trying to hard to ignore. He resigned himself to the fact that he would have to put up with yet another noisy supper, and settled down in the living room, turning the TV right up to try and at least block part of the yells, groans and bangs he had come to expect thanks to being Genesis' roommate for so long. He had finished his food and was developing a nervous twitch, when finally, the noise abated. "Thank Gaia for that." He mumbled to himself, letting out a deep breath and starting to wash up. That was when Genesis walked in, bending over to get some juice out of the fridge, wearing only a… "Genesis!" Angeal yelped, looking away in horror.

"What? It's my flat as well, and I'll wear as many thongs as I like." Genesis replied with a moody shrug, straightening up and pouring himself a drink. Angeal scowled at his friend's lack of decency, then turned back to his washing.

"How come you're finished so soon?" Angeal asked, trying to strike up a conversation despite how uncomfortable he was.

"I'm no way near finished, I just told Kunsel I needed an 'interval'." Genesis muttered, glaring out the window with a dark intensity.

"Kunsel?" Angeal yelled in horror, nearly dropping the plate he had been placing in the cupboard. Genesis gave him a withering look.

"Don't sound so surprised. SOLDIER is SOLDIER, and, as far as I'm concerned, ass is ass." He grumbled, making Angeal grimace and squirm. Genesis smirked, enjoying torturing his best friend more than he would ever let on.

"…so…why the interval? He must be…pretty good." Angeal had to force the last words out past the lump of awkwardness in his throat.

"Ha, I wish." Genesis growled, glowering out of the window again. Angeal didn't quite know what he meant for a moment, and then it clicked.

"Oh. That bad?" He asked, putting his glass back in it's cupboard.

"Well, lets put it this way." Genesis grumbled, dropping his glass in the sink before Angeal could drain the water out. Angeal sighed, picking it up to wash it for him. "I've been reciting LOVELESS in my head for the past hour. And…" He added, leaning back around the doorframe. "If I haven't had an orgasm by the end of the next verse, he's in trouble." Genesis heard a glass being dropped as he made his way back to the bedroom, a grin now lighting up his face.

**Sigh…why does everyone want me to write this stuff? Finally got round to that request for…somebody…can't quite remember who (busy writing a new chapter for my crossover). Hope you all enjoy. :**


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